Holding Your Hand
by Sam Cdn
Summary: COMPLETED- Seven years have passed since the series finale and Jack, Doug, and Amy are a happy family ... until tragedy strikes. Please R&R!
1. Tragedy Strikes

Holding Your Hand

By Sam

**Author's Note:** Hi to all!  I'm new here but I've posted this story before.  Please R&R!  I love both praise and constructive criticism so feel free!

Part I 

Jack awoke in the arms of the one he had been waking up with for the past eight years.  His head lay on his love's chest whose arms were draped loosely around Jack's body.  He breathed deeply his scent and cuddled into his embrace, not wanting the moment to end.  He knew exactly what time it was without looking at the clock.  He knew because he woke at this time each morning.  It was 5:55- their alarm would go off in five minutes.

Jack rose slowly and turned off the alarm.  He reluctantly got out of the bed and headed towards the en-suite bathroom where he proceeded to splash cool water onto his face.  He brushed his teeth and then went back into the bedroom where he removed two t-shirts and two pairs of sweats from the large dresser.  He tossed the clothes onto the bed and then crawled over to his sleeping partner.  He kneeled beside his love and placed a hand on his shoulder, shaking him lightly.

"Up and at'em, Doug."

He received a groan of protest in return.

Jack hopped out of bed and began searching for boxers.  "C'mon, get your lazy ass out of bed."

"I don't feel like it today.  Come back here."

Jack laughed.  "No way, man.  I'm wide awake and ready for my morning jog."

"Christ, Jack, you're thirty-two years old- don't say 'man.'"

Jack rolled his eyes.  "You coming?"

Doug sighed and sat up.  "Of course.  Couldn't break the morning ritual."

"You would never do that."

Doug smiled at him.  "You know me too well."

Jack grinned.  "I know you inside out."

The two of them were soon jogging across the beach in the sunny September morning.  They spoke occasionally but as usual, they tended to jog in a comfortable silence, just breathing the air and enjoying the peacefulness together.  They carried nothing on them but their cell phones in case of an emergency- in case Amy needed them.  It was only in the past year, since Amy had turned eight, that they had started feeling comfortable enough with leaving her home alone every morning for the forty-five minutes they spent jogging.  She was asleep during that time, she had two dogs in the house with her, and it was only Capeside, after all.  Still, both of her fathers felt as if this was a big step.

They were home by seven o'clock.  They woke Amy, showered, and dressed.  Jack jogged down the stairs as he did up the belt of his slacks and headed for the kitchen where Doug was pouring Amy a bowl of Rice Krispies.  Jack went over to the fruit bowl on the counter and got himself an apple.

"You want some banana on that, honey?" he asked Amy.

Amy shook her head and scrunched up her adorable little nose.  "I hate bananas!"

Jack rolled his eyes.  "I know but they're good for you!"

Amy stuck her tongue out playfully at him and brought her plain cereal to the breakfast bar where she sat down.  Jack and Doug moved around the kitchen as Doug prepared himself toast and strawberry jam and Jack made lunches for the three of them to take with them on their day.  When he finished, he poured himself a bowl of Rice Krispies, sliced a banana into it, and added milk.  He got a glass of orange juice and joined the rest of his family at the breakfast bar.

"Mrs. Collins said we're going to start a new unit today," Amy was saying.  "I think it's going to be about forests."

"Why do you say that?" Doug asked.

"Because we're going on a field trip to Stucky Forest in two weeks."

"Oh, that's right- did you sign the permission slip for that, Doug?"

"Yes, just the other day.  You brought it in, right Amy?"

"Yeah."

"Say 'yes', Amy," Doug said.

"Yes, daddy," she groaned.

Jack gave Doug a look as Amy got up to put her bowl away.

"You're the English teacher.  You should be enforcing these things too."

Jack smiled.  "Yes but I'm the _cool_ English teacher.  I let my students say 'yeah' all the time in my class."

Doug laughed.  "Wow, you are cool."

Jack stuck his tongue out and followed Amy to the dishwasher.

Twenty minutes later, Jack looked out the living room window and gasped.  "Amy!  Hurry up!  Your carpool's here early!"

Amy soon came bounding down the stairs, slinging her knapsack onto her back, Doug following close behind.  He bent over and kissed Amy's cheek.  "Have a good day at school, hon."

"I will."

Jack kissed her forehead.  "Have a good day.  Love you!"

"Love you too, daddy."  Amy grabbed her jacket and ran out the door to the minivan waiting for her.

Jack closed the door behind her and looked over at Doug.  "Ten minutes early!  They're lucky she was ready!"

Doug shrugged.  "Better early than late."

"Of course."  He gazed at Doug a moment, standing there in full uniform, lit up by the sunlight streaming through the window on the front door.  _God, he is so beautiful_, Jack thought.

"What're you thinking about?"

Jack smiled.  "Oh, just the fact that we've got a full twenty minutes before either of us has to run off to work."

Doug crossed his arms over his chest.  "Very true.  And how, dare I ask, are you planning on spending those twenty minutes?

Jack shrugged his shoulders innocently.  "Gee, I don't know."  He walked slowly up to Doug and pressed his chest against his love's crossed arms.  "I was just, you know, enjoying the view."

The two men stared into each other's eyes a moment before they simultaneously leaned in and allowed their lips to meet.  Doug uncrossed his arms and wrapped them around Jack's waist, forcing their bodies closer together as the kiss deepened.  Tongues slid into mouths they knew so well.  Their lips fit together like pieces of a puzzle.  Soon, they lost themselves in each other …

********

" ' … "if it were now to die, 'twere now to be most happy."  That was her feeling- Othello's feeling, and she felt it, she was convinced, as strongly as Shakespeare meant Othello to feel it, all because she was coming down to dinner in a white frock to meet Sally Seton!'"  Jack paused and glanced up at his twelfth-grade English class and then looked back at the book in his hand and flipped about a hundred pages forward in Virginia Woolf's, Mrs. Dalloway.  He cleared his throat and read, " 'But this young man who had killed himself- had he plunged holding his treasure?  "If it were now to die, 'twere now to be most happy," she had said herself once, coming down, in 

white.' "

Jack closed the book and placed it on his desk behind him.  He began to pace the aisles of desks as he continued to speak.  "So Clarissa considers this quote from Othello twice in this day.  The first time, it is in a memory full of such happiness that she feels she cannot ask for more of life.  The second time, she is considering death itself- or life itself, I should say.  And through this, she does arrive at a conclusion.  Even after the disgrace she feels at the Bradshaws speaking of death at her party, she comes to a- a wonderful conclusion about life that can be linked up to the quote from Othello and also to the recurring theme of time we've spoken about."  Jack glanced around the room at his students.  Half of them had the glazed look in their eyes that Jack knew to well.  "Alright, I've lost half of you, haven't I?"

There was a mutual murmur of agreement.  Jack smiled a bit.  He rubbed his hands together and prepared himself for one of his speeches he was famous for.  The kind of speech that was often required in these situations.  Jack was known for delivering these speeches which held every soul in the room captivated as he made his point clear using terms that a room full of seventeen-year-olds would understand perfectly.  His students adored Jack for these speeches.  "OK, guys, look at it this way-"

He was abruptly cut off, however, by a sharp knock at the open classroom door.

"Yeah?"  Jack called.

The head of Melissa Pearson appeared in the doorway.  "Sorry to interrupt your class, Jack.  Could I have a word?"

"Sure."  Jack made his way through the desks to the classroom door.  Melissa had been principle of Capeside High for the past two years and was well-loved by students and teachers alike.  She was an honest, levelheaded woman who did her job well.

She looked evenly at Jack and took a deep breath before she spoke.  "Look, Jack- I'm afraid I've received some bad news … I just got a call from the police station saying that Doug was taken into the hospital.  They didn't say why- only that you should go to the emergency room at Capeside Memorial and someone from the station will meet you there.  Don't worry about your class- Pat said he'd take over the rest of your classes for the day and I can take care of this one.  I guess you'd better hurry …"

Jack didn't quite know what to say at first- didn't know what his reaction should be since he didn't know what was going on.  Finally, he found his voice.  "O- OK, great, thanks, Melissa.  I'll just- I'll grab my stuff and go … and, uh, thank Pat for me, will you?"

Melissa nodded and patted Jack on the shoulder.  "Of course.  Give us a call when you can, all right?  We want to know what's going on and all the best to Doug."

Jack nodded.  "Of course."

Jack soon found himself in his car, on the road to Capeside Memorial.  He drove fast, not caring about the speed limit.  The only one who had ever pulled him over for speeding in the past eight years had been Doug and now that he needed to reach Doug- he just needed to get there as quickly as possible.

When he arrived at the hospital, he parked recklessly and dashed into the emergency room.  He found himself in a room lit by fluorescent lights, filled with molded plastic chairs, outdated magazines, broken toys, vending machines, and people.  Many people.  The room was infested with people who were sick, injured, crying, comforting, bored, angry, annoyed … but Jack paid little attention to any of them.  He scanned the room and quickly found who he was looking for- a man and a woman, both in their blue uniforms, sitting side by side in a corner.  Jack made his way over to them and they both jumped up at his arrival.

"Jack- thanks for coming so quickly," the woman said.

"Of course, Lisa, why wouldn't I?  What happened?  What's wrong with Doug?  Is he ok?"  Jack spoke frantically.

The two officers exchanged a look before the man looked back at Jack and spoke,  "Look, Jack, there's actually not much we can tell you- no one will let us know anything in this place … But we can tell you what happened."  He paused and took a deep breath, looking into Jack's fearful eyes.

"What is it, Mike?  What happened?"  Jack demanded.

"Three men went into Diggory Grocery today armed with handguns and demanded that each of the cashiers hand over the contents of their cashes.  Doug was first on the scene and well- when we got there, he was on the ground and so were two of the robbers … We got a few witness accounts and they said that when Doug demanded they drop their weapons, one tried to get away.  Doug shot him in the back- he's dead.  Another of the robbers immediately got him in the leg- just below the knee.  Doug started to collapse but not before firing again.  His aim wasn't as good this time, considering his condition, and he only got the guy in the shoulder.  The jerk is in here somewhere, recovering nicely, I expect … He shot Doug as well, Jack- got him in the chest … The third guy tried to run off but that's when the two of us arrived on the scene and we apprehended him.  Doug was immediately rushed here, of course, but no one will tell us how he's doing.  Everyone keeps telling us that he's in surgery and that we'll have to wait to find out what'll happen with him.

"He shouldn't have gone in alone, Jack, that's that truth.  But you know Doug- he didn't want to risk them getting away so he risked everything to do his duty as sheriff … I wish he hadn't, of course, but with Doug- I know he wouldn't have done it any other way."

Jack stared, stared at nothing, gasping for air, trying to grasp what he had just been told.  He collapsed and hardly noticed when the two officers caught him and helped him to a chair where he sat, head in his hands.  He could not believe this was happening- didn't want to believe it.

How could he accept that the only one he had ever loved was somewhere in this building, fighting a battle for his life that he could very well lose?


	2. Standing Out

Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** First of all, I was just reading some fics on the site and I came upon On A Perfect Day by Boschette and I just want to let everyone know I am in no way trying to copy that fic!  I wrote Holding Your Hand long before that fic appeared on this site so just in case there's any suspicions, I am not trying to copy anyone else's work!

OK, that stuff out of the way, I want to thank Jessica and Yelak for your feedback.  Here's more!

********

Jack did not know how much time had passed before Pacey came bursting into the Emergency Room.  He hurried over to where Jack sat between Officers Mike and Lisa and with one look at the expression on Jack's face, all he said was, "Oh, God."

Mike stood up.  "It's not what you think.  Well, we don't quite know what it is yet but there's hope."

Pacey looked at him urgently.

Casting a worried glance in Jack's direction, Mike said, "Why don't we take a walk while we talk, ok?"

"Sure …"

They returned shortly and as soon as they did, Pacey took the empty seat beside Jack.  The two men looked at each other and without a word, embraced.  Both could feel the other's pain, the other's distress, and both were grateful to have someone there who knew on some level what the other was going through.

When they pulled away, Pacey turned quickly to Mike beside him.  "What time is it?"

"One-twelve."

Pacey turned back to Jack.  "Look, I'm going to call Joey and tell her what's going on and get her to pick up Kelly, and Amy too, after school.  Do you want her to bring Amy here?"

Jack did not even hesitate as he shook his head.  "No- no way.  I don't want her in this place."

"Ok, Jo can just take them back to our place."  He paused and considered how he would word his next question.  "What- what do you want her to tell Amy, Jack?"

Jack took time to think this time.  Though he doubted himself, Jack finally came up with the only solution that seemed right.  "Tell her that Doug or I couldn't pick her up because- because something came up.  Tell her that I will come and pick her up this evening and I will explain everything to her."

"What are you going to tell her?"

"The truth.  She needs to know the truth about her parent."  
  


Pacey nodded.  "Right, of course.  I'll go call Jo."  He disappeared off around a corner as he dialed his cell phone.

Jack knew that it would be difficult for their daughter to sit and wait while she had no idea where her parents were or what they were doing but also knew that she would be fine.  She would be patient, she would understand.  Jack knew that the little girl he and Doug had raised would be strong in this difficult time.  He also knew that he needed to be the one to tell her.  True, Joey was her aunt and it was a comfort to know that Amy was in such good hands, but he did not want it to be her to tell his daughter of this tragedy.  Amy would also be with her cousin and best friend in the world.  Though Kelly was a year younger than her, Amy was inseparable from Pacey and Joey's daughter.

The day passed slowly.  Jack did not think he had ever lived through a longer day.  Every once in a while, someone would get a doctor and attempt to find out about Doug's condition.  The answer, however, was always the same: "He's still in surgery.  Someone will let you know when it's over."

At six o'clock that evening, there was still no news on Doug.  Jack did not want to leave him; he could not imagine missing the moment when Doug would need him the most.  He knew that Amy needed him, though.  He needed to tell her what was going on, even if he hardly knew himself.  He turned to Pacey who sat beside him.

"Pace- I think I'd better go talk to Amy."

Pacey looked at him and nodded.  "Yeah- you're right."

There was a brief silence.

"Jesus, I don't want to leave him …"

"I could ask Jo to talk to Amy-"

"No.  Sorry, Pace, but no.  I need to be the one to tell her."

Pacey nodded: he understood.

"I'm going to have my cell on me the whole time, though.  I need you to call me the moment you find out what's going on."

"Of course, Jack.  I-"

"Excuse me- are you the family of Douglas Witter?"

The two men turned quickly towards the source of the voice- a middle-aged man in a white lab coat with a stethoscope around his neck: a doctor.  Pacey and Jack jumped to their feet.

"Yes," they said in unison.

The doctor held out his hand.  "Hi, I'm Doctor Hillcoat.  I was Sheriff Witter's surgeon today."

Pacey and Jack looked expectantly back at him.

"Well, I'll be honest- the injuries Sheriff Witter sustained were quite serious and have caused some critical damage …"

Doctor Hillcoat went on for what seemed like a long time to tell them that Doug's chest wound had missed his heart but punctured a lung.  They still could not say for sure whether or not Doug would be all right- he was in Intensive Care at the moment- but there was hope.  The other shot had hit Doug in the shin, just below the knee on his right leg and if Doug got better, there was a chance that that leg would be useless.

"…  I wish I could give you more reassuring news but at the moment, we are just at the waiting and seeing stage.  He is conscious now but quite out of it.  One person can go in and see him at a time for a very brief visit.  I need to ask, however, that only immediate family go in at the moment … what exactly are your relations to Sheriff Witter?"

"I'm his brother," Pacey said.  "Pacey Witter."

"All right, Mr. Witter.  I can take you to your brother in a moment."  He looked expectantly at Jack.

Jack chose his words carefully.  "I'm Doug's- his partner."

"Oh.  I didn't realize the sheriff worked with a partner …"

"No- that's not what I meant.  Doug and I are-" he hated this term so much! "-life partners."

Dr. Hillcoat's eyes widened slightly as comprehension dawned.  "Ah, I, um, I see.  Well, like I said, I can only allow immediate family in at the moment so-"

"You have got to be kidding me."

"Pace …"  Jack did not want to jump in and be aggressive but leave it to Pacey to try to be the hero.

"Listen, Doctor, Jack deserves to be in that room more than I do.  He deserves to be in that room just as a husband does for his wife or a wife does for her husband and if you think-"

"All right, Mr. Witter!  I suppose we could bend the rules just this once.  Please understand, however, that this hospital does not recognize 'life partner' as a qualifying immediate family-relation."  And with a wary glance in Jack's direction, Doctor Hillcoat turned and began to walk down a hall.

Pacey looked about to jump on him but Jack held him back.  "Look, Pace," he said quietly, "just forget it, all right?  I appreciate your sentiment but let's just not make a big deal out of this.  I don't feel like it- I just want to see Doug."

Pacey relaxed and nodded.  "Yeah, right.  Me too."

The two men exchanged a look of understanding and followed Doctor Hillcoat towards the IC unit.

********

Pacey went in first and so as Jack sat outside the room, he leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes.  Doctor Hillcoat's attitude towards him had, of course, annoyed him but it was almost expected.  Jack was used to facing this kind of thing all the time but together, he and Doug had learned to move past it.  Jack's memory flashed to Amy's first day of school when she started in kindergarten.  For the first day, parents were allowed to accompany their children to class and so both he and Doug took the day off in order to be with Amy.

_"Look at all the toys!"  Amy said as they stepped into the classroom._

_"Yeah," Jack said, crouching  down to be at her level, "what are you going to play with first?"_

_Amy shrugged, suddenly blushing as she looked around the classroom._

_"What's wrong?"  Jack asked._

_"I don't know anyone here!"_

_"Well, go make some friends," Doug said._

_Amy buried her face in Doug's shoulder.  "They might not like me."_

_"Of course they will!"  Jack said.  "You're the coolest girl in the room!"_

_She looked at him, grinning.  "'Kay …"  She scampered off to join the other children._

_"Well, isn't she the sweetest thing!"_

_Jack and Doug turned around to the source of the voice they'd just heard and found themselves facing a young couple; a man and a woman._

_"Hi," the woman said, holding out a hand, "I'm Karen and this is Ben.  We're Max's parents."  She indicated a blonde boy playing with building blocks across the room._

_"Hi, I'm Doug."_

_"I'm Jack.  We're Amy's parents."_

_"Nice to meet you," Karen said.  She was now looking at them uncertainly.  "Sorry, not to prod or anything, but which of you is Amy's biological father?"_

_Jack and Doug exchanged a weary glance.  "Neither of us," Doug said.  "We adopted Amy from a close friend of Jack's who passed away when Amy was a baby."_

_"Oh, I'm sorry," Karen said, not sounding very sorry at all.  She rushed on with more questions.  "So are you two brothers or something?  I mean, why would two men want to raise a little girl together anyways?"  She laughed as if to lighten the mood but her laugh sounded like Cruella_ _Deville's from _101 Dalmatians_._

_Jack and Doug were not so amused.  "No," Jack said steadily, "we're not brothers.  We want to raise Amy together because we love her and we want to have a family together.  Doug and I are a couple."_

_The smile disappeared from Karen's face and even Ben, who had not yet said a word, looked at Jack and Doug sourly._

_"Well, I- I mean, I never- since when have queers been allowed to raise children?" Karen demanded, all her friendly demeanor from before was now completely gone._

_"There's no law against it," Jack said, trying to keep his tone calm, "and there is no reason why we should not be allowed to raise a child."_

_"Really?"  Karen demanded.  "What about the immoral behavior you are teaching that poor little girl?  What about the fact that she does not have a mother?  What about the confused image she is getting of the world?  What about-"_

_"Look, lady, don't talk about things you don't even know about."  Jack did not care anymore about keeping his tone calm.  He did not care about the people around them turning to stare or the nearby children pausing in their games.  "You're so ignorant you probably don't even-"_

_"Jack," Doug said suddenly, his tone calm but firm.  Jack stopped suddenly and looked at Doug and was immediately subdued.  One look in Doug's serene eyes, at his gentle face, and Jack realized he was going to far.  Doug spoke again, "Don't waste your breath, hon.   Forget it."_

_Jack took Doug's hand and the couple moved away from the two angry but speechless parents._

Jack looked back on that day with pride.  He remembered how one moment he had felt angry and so incredibly tired of people's hatred and how the next moment he felt calm and certain of what he was doing.  Taking his love's hand in his own had felt so right and walking through the classroom with their heads held high had felt so good.  He and Doug had soon found that while there were always parents much like Karen and Ben, there were also always parents who supported Jack and Doug and treated them like any other parents.  And Jack felt like any other parent.  He was so proud of the little family he had with Doug and Amy but now …

"Mr. McPhee?"

Jack looked up sharply and saw Doctor Hillcoat in front of him.

"Mr. Witter is done.  You can go in but only for about ten minutes."

Jack nodded.  "Thanks."


	3. Arms of an Angel

Chapter 3 

Author's Note:  Thanks so much for the great feedback.  I'm always open to constructive criticism and, I'm not ashamed to admit, praise too!  Thanks to Yelak, Phoenix, and especially to boschette for understanding!  Keep R&R-ing!

********

Jack felt as if his heart would burst when he first saw Doug.  He crept quietly up to the bed, which was surrounded by beeping machines, all attached to his Doug.  Doug's eyes were closed and Jack watched him for a moment.  His skin looked so pale and he looked so weak in that bed … Jack felt so helpless.  Tentatively, Jack placed a hand on his arm.  Doug eyes fluttered open and Jack was soon staring back at the one he loved.

"Baby …"

"Jack?"  Doug's voice was distant and raspy.

Jack sat down quickly on the chair beside Doug's bed and tightened his grip on Doug's arm.  "Yeah, baby, it's me …"

"I was … I was so worried about you …"

"About me?  Why were you worried about me?"  Jack spoke quietly, as if too much noise could physically injure Doug.

"I … didn't know where you were.  I was so worried about my Jack …"

"I'm right here, hon.  Don't worry.  I'll- I'll always be here."  Jack had been warned that Doug was out of it.  He just needed to be reassuring.

Doug closed his eyes gently.  "My Jack …"

Jack stared at Doug in silence for a moment.  It was difficult for him to take in the fact that this was the strong, powerful man he had been with for the past eight years.  This morning, he had been so wonderful and beautiful and passionate and full of life but now he was only hanging on by a thread.

"Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"What's wrong?"

It took all of Jack's will power to not break down.  He wanted so badly to cry into this man's shoulder, begging him not to let go, not to leave him alone in this world but he needed to be strong- strong for Doug.  "I just- I just want everything to work out."

"I'm so tired, Jack …"

"I know, babe.  Just- just hold on ok?"

"I just want to sleep …"

"Are you in pain?" Jack choked out.

"I feel sort of … numb.  It's so hard to breathe, though.  It would be so … so nice to just … stop …"

"Don't stop, Doug," Jack whispered, unable to stop the tears springing to his eyes.  "Please.  You- you can't stop …"

Doug let out a slow, laboured breath.  "I love you, Jack."

"I love you too, Doug … so much …"

"Can you lie down with me?"  Doug stared at Jack with pleading eyes.

Jack stared back at the love of his life and wanted nothing else but to hold him close, as if to protect him from all harm.  "Only for a bit, love … I can't stay for long."

Jack climbed gingerly onto the firm hospital bed, squeezing into the spot right next to Doug.  He wrapped his arms carefully around Doug, holding his head to his chest, and gently stroking his back.  They lay there in silence for a few minutes, feeling each other's closeness.

*~*~*

Spend all your time waiting  
for that second chance  
for a break that would make it okay  
there's always one reason  
to feel not good enough  
and it's hard at the end of the day  
I need some distraction  
oh beautiful release  
memory seeps from my veins  
let me be empty  
and weightless and maybe  
I'll find some peace tonight  
  
in the arms of an angel  
fly away from here  
from this dark cold hotel room  
and the endlessness that you fear  
you are pulled from the wreckage  
of your silent reverie  
you're in the arms of the angel  
may you find some comfort there  
  
so tired of the straight line  
and everywhere you turn  
there's vultures and thieves at your back  
and the storm keeps on twisting  
you keep on building the lie  
that you make up for all that you lack  
it don't make no difference  
escaping one last time  
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh  
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees  
  
in the arms of an angel  
fly away from here  
from this dark cold hotel room  
and the endlessness that you fear  
you are pulled from the wreckage  
of your silent reverie  
you're in the arms of the angel  
may you find some comfort there  
you're in the arms of the angel  
may you find some comfort here

_-Angel_

By Sarah McLachlan

*~*~*

Jack wished he could stay there all night- forever, even.  He knew, however, that Doctor Hillcoat would be walking in at any moment to let him know that his time was up.  The last thing Jack wanted was for that doctor to catch him and Doug lying together on the hospital bed.  Jack guessed he probably should not be on the bed at all.

"I'm going to have to go now," he whispered.

"No," Doug groaned weakly.

"I'm so sorry, babe.  You need to rest and I need to get back to Amy.  I'll be here first thing tomorrow morning, I promise."

"Amy …" Doug murmured.  "Where's our baby?"

"She's with Jo."  Jack started to rise slowly from the bed.

"I want to see her Jack …"

Jack was now standing next to the bed.  He looked carefully into Doug's stormy eyes.  "Hon … do you really want her to see you … see you like- like this?  It might scare her a bit …"

Doug spoke firmly and coherently for the first time since Jack had entered the room:  "No, Jack, I really think she should see me.  We shouldn't shield her from the truth, right?"

Jack nodded.  "You're absolutely right."  He meant it, too.  Hadn't he just been telling Pacey exactly the same thing?  He leant in and kissed Doug's lips gently.  "I'll see you tomorrow morning."

Doug was closing his eyes.  "Yeah … love you …"

"Love you."  Jack forced himself to let go of Doug's arm and to walk away from Doug's bed.  He walked out of the hospital room, closing the door gently behind him.


	4. A Bed Made for Two

Chapter 4 

Author's Note:  Thanks for the feedback.  I apologize- this is a very short chapter but I'll be back very soon with chapter five, which will be much longer!  Hope you enjoy!  Keep R&R-ing!!!

********

Jack followed Pacey's Jeep to his and Joey's home.  Throughout the drive, he thought about nothing other than his daughter who was in that house, playing with her best friend without a care in the world, and believing that she had nothing to worry about.  How was he going to tell this little girl the truth?  How could he shatter her perfect world?  He and Doug had been raising Amy for seven years now- Jack could hardly believe it- and in all that time, they had managed to keep their little girl healthy and happy.  But now … now everything would change.

As soon as she opened the door, Joey pulled Pacey and Jack into a loving embrace.  She backed away and looked at them both, a hand on each of the two men's shoulders.  "I just- I can't believe this.  This is unreal."

Pacey reached out a hand and stroked his wife's hair tenderly.  "It's gonna be alright, Jo.  It is."

She lead them into the living room where two little girls immediately jumped up from their game of Candy Land, both squealing, "Daddy!"

Kelly ran into Pacey's arms.  When his own daughter ran up to him, all Jack could do was hold Amy close.

"Where's Doug?" she asked right away.

Jack smiled gently at hearing Amy speak Doug's name.  Most of the time, she called both of them "Daddy" but in situations where she needed to be specific or decipher between the two of them, she used their first names.  "We're going to talk about that in a bit.  OK, Angel?"

Amy nodded, looking at him with fearful eyes.

The three grown-ups sat in the kitchen for an hour, speaking in hushed tones as they discussed the situation and made plans.  Through it all, Jack still could not believe this was happening.  This morning his life was all he had ever wanted and now he was discussing things like hospital visitations to the man he loved and where his Last Will and Testament was, just in case.

After the conversation, Jack called work to let them know he was taking some time off.  At 8:21 that evening, he stepped back into the living room and faced his daughter once more.

"Amy, hon?"

She looked up at him.

"We gotta get going."

"But what about Doug?"

"I'll explain it to you when we get home.  Let's just get going, OK Amy?"

She nodded reluctantly and got up from her game.  Within five minutes, they were out the door.

********

When they got in, Jack asked Amy to get ready for bed.  He made her a mug of hot cocoa and brought it up to her bedroom.  He sat down on the edge of her bed and watched her as she took a tentative sip.  Jack took in his daughter's sweet little figure, sitting cross-legged on her bed in her Powderpuff Girls pajamas.  Her flat nose, her round face, her hazel eyes … her blonde ringlets, just like her mother's … _Christ, Jack!  Enough sad thoughts for one day!_

"Amy?"  He spoke in what he believed to be a calm, reassuring tone.

"Yeah?"

Jack felt a pang as he recalled the conversation about that very word that they had had that morning.  "I need to talk to you about where Doug is."

Amy put her mug down on her night table and looked at her father.  "You look so serious, Daddy."

Jack smiled gently.  "Well, what I'm about to tell you is- it's very serious, Angel.  Doug isn't here because he's in the hospital, baby."

Amy's eyes grew wide.  "Why?"

Jack sighed and took his daughter's small hand into his own.  "Daddy got hurt while he was working.  Some bad men- robbers- went into the grocery store and they were trying to steal money from it.  Someone called the police and Doug was the first one to get there.  He was trying to arrest the robbers but-" Jack's throat constricted suddenly and it took every bit of his will-power to force himself to get a grip.  He needed to be strong for his daughter.  "The men had guns, Amy.  Two of them sh- shot Daddy.  One of the bullets hit him in the leg and one in the chest.  Doctors have been working on him all day and he's doing really well, now, angel.  I just need you to know- to understand- that those bullets hurt him really badly and even though he's doing better now, he might still get worse."

Amy stared at him, tears cascading down her cheeks.  Jack pulled her close and held his daughter as she sobbed into his shoulder.

"Bu-but no!" she wailed.  "It's not fair!  W-why did they hurt daddy?  It's not fair!  I hate those- those evil robbers!"

"I know, baby, I know," he whispered into her ringlets.  Jack sat there rocking and holding his daughter for a long time, hating the people that did this to his man and to his daughter's other parent.  He hated them more than Amy could ever conceive.

When Amy had finally cried herself to sleep, Jack laid her down gently and tiptoed out of the room.  He went downstairs and poured himself a scotch.  He sat on the back deck of their home, looking out on the calm beach, trying to clear his mind.

At some point, he gave up and retreated to his bedroom.  Only, for as long as he had lived here, it was not only his bedroom, it was the bedroom that he and Doug had shared.  He changed into flannel pants and a t-shirt and crawled under the covers.  He lay on his right side, then his left, then on his stomach, then his back.  Tossing and turning, Jack realized that he was never going to get comfortable.  Not as long as he was alone in this bed made for two.  It was the bed where he and Doug had made love so many times, where he and Doug held each other every night.  He finally accepted defeat and waited for the gray morning to arrive.  He wished the emptiness would disappear.


	5. Visiting Doug

Author's Note:  Here it is, as promised: a longer chapter 5!  Keep R&R-ing!!! Chapter 5 

Jack made Amy go to school the next day.  It broke his heart when she cried and begged to come to the hospital with him to see her other father but Jack stood his ground.  He promised her that when he came to pick her up after school, they would go straight to the hospital to see Doug.

The day passed slowly.  Jack went to the hospital after Amy was picked up for school, hoping he would be able to spend his day at Doug's side.  However, time proved otherwise.  He and Pacey spent most of the day in the hospital waiting room.  Doug needed his rest.  Doctor Hillcoat did not want them in there all day, getting Doug "worked up" as he put it.  With that comment, he had cast a wary glance in Jack's direction.  In fact, Jack found himself being cast many of these glances whenever he was with Doctor Hillcoat and he was getting bloody sick of it.  Though he continued to tell Pacey to let it go, Jack did wish the doctor would take him more seriously.  What really worried him was whether Doctor Hillcoat would treat Doug like any other patient, even though he knew Doug was gay.  Eventually, Jack figured he was being paranoid and anyway, there was enough to worry about already.

At one point, Doctor Hillcoat emerged from Doug's room and miraculously, told Jack and Pacey that he could give them some more news on Doug's condition.

"Again," the doctor said, "I can't say anything for sure.  Doug was in good shape before this incident, which increases his chances for a strong recovery.  In fact, there are already some slight improvements on his condition.  However, there is still always a chance he may take a turn for the worst and his condition is still very delicate at this point so I would advise you to be prepared for that.  Overall, though, he is doing quite well.  You can defiantly breath a little easier now."

With this news, Jack and Pacey grinned at each other.  No promises were made but things could be so much worse.  Jack figured he may regret it later on, but he allowed himself to feel the slightest bit relieved.  For the moment, his man was all right.

When at last Jack was able to go in and see Doug, he nearly cried for joy.  He soon found himself seated once more at Doug's side, holding one of his weak hands in his own.

"The doctor said you're doing better today," Jack said gently.

Doug smiled.  "So I hear.  I guess that's good news."

"Hell yes, it's good news!  Baby, you're going to make it through this, right? It's going to be OK."

Doug gave Jack's hand the slightest squeeze.  "Yeah … I hope so."

Jack squeezed him back.  "I know so."

"Mike and Lisa came in earlier today."

"Oh really?  I didn't know that."

Doug's eyes were closed and he didn't say anything for a moment.  When he opened his eyes again, he looked directly at Jack.  "They told me I killed someone."

Jack was suddenly speechless.  Doug's expression was so pained, so worried.  He had not even thought about this.  In fact, Jack had all but forgotten this fact.  Finally, he found his voice again.  "You were doing you job.  He would have gotten away if you hadn't done what you did."

Doug sighed.  "I was an idiot.  I made a mess of things.  I shouldn't have gone in at all until Mike and Lisa got there."

"No, Doug, that's not true!  You were brave and you did what most would never have the courage to do.  I- I'm proud of you, Doug."

Doug's eyes filled suddenly with tears.  "I'm so sorry, baby," he whispered.  He let out a loud sob.  "I-I'm so sorry.  I wasn't being brave, Jack!  I just didn't think and when I felt those shots hit me … oh, god, Jack.  I was so scared … I just kept thinking of you and Amy, seeing your faces, and thinking I … I would never see you again.  I was so scared, Jack …"

Jack moved quickly, shifting himself onto the bed and wrapping his arms around Doug.  He gently stroked Doug's back and murmured comforting words in his ear.  The relief Jack had felt before disappeared.  Even if Doug got better, Jack realized that their lives would never be as they once were.  The physical and emotional suffering Doug was living through would change him forever if it did not kill him.  Jack wanted to be by Doug's side through it all and he knew that he would be but he wondered if that was enough.

********

Doug was still very set on seeing his daughter so Jack brought her by after he picked her up from school.  Amy was excited to see her father but became anxious when she entered the hospital.  She gazed around the chaotic waiting room with wide eyes, not saying anything.  Jack ruffled her hair.

"It's going to be ok, Angel."

Amy shot him a look.  "I _know_, dad.  And don't mess up my hair!"

Jack smiled and led her to Doug's room.

The visit went quite well, Jack thought.  Amy sat on Jack's lap as she talked to Doug as if it was any other day.  Doug asked her how school was and Amy chattered away about forest animal projects and gym class.  Doug listened, smiling a bit, and closing his eyes every once in a while.

"Come give Daddy a kiss," Doug said as they prepared to leave.

Jack immediately jumped in, pushing Amy gently out of the way, and placed a wet one on Doug's lips.  Amy burst into a fit of giggles and Jack and Doug smiled at each other.  It was a bit they did all the time and it always produced the same reaction out of Amy.  It was good to know some things did not change.

"Promise you'll come see me again soon," Doug said to Amy.

Amy nodded.  "Yes."

Doug smiled.  "Bye, Angel."

"Bye Daddy."

Jack and Amy walked back into the waiting room and sat down across from Pacey who was flipping distractedly through a Sports Illustrated magazine.

"How was your visit?" he asked Amy as they sat down.

"Good," she said quietly.

Jack looked over at his daughter, usually to full of giggles and life.  And she always had a smile for her Uncle Pacey.  "Are you OK, Amy?"

Amy looked back at him nervously.  "Is daddy going to die?"

Jack's eyes filled quickly with tears as he heard his daughter speak these words.  He exchanged a quick glance with Pacey, who also looked shattered, before pulling his daughter into his arms.

"I don't know," he whispered into Amy's golden locks.  He didn't see the point in trying to sugarcoat the truth.  "I don't know, baby."

********

The following two weeks went by in a blur.  The Witter family came in to Capeside.  Doug also had an almost constant stream of visitors from the community: co-workers, friends, teachers Jack worked with at the high school.  Between entertaining Doug's guests, taking care of Amy, and visiting Doug, Jack hardly had time to think and in some ways, that seemed better.  The less time there was to sit back and realize the reality of the situation, the better.

Exactly two weeks after the day that Doug was shot, Jack had just finished putting Amy to bed when the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey Jack!  How's it going?"

"Tobey?"

"Yes, Tobey!  What's been going on?  I haven't heard from you in like, a month."

Jack closed his eyes guiltily.  In all the chaos, he had completely forgotten about Tobey.  "I am so sorry, man.  It's been insane."

About six years earlier, he had received a visitor at work.  A Tobey Barret, founder and coordinator of an organization called SEAGAL, Spreading Equality and Awareness for Gays and Lesbians (pronounced _seagull_).  This Tobey Barret wanted to open a chapter at Capeside High- a gay/ straight alliance group.  He wanted to give a talk at the school to get the students interested in such an alliance.  And who better to contact about such a thing than the only gay teacher at Capeside who just happened to be his ex-boyfriend?

A chapter opened at Capeside and Jack and Tobey quickly became close friends.  It was a completely pure and platonic friendship, better than any relationship they had attempted to have years earlier.  Doug also got along well with Tobey's boyfriend, Ryan.  Tobey and Ryan lived nearby, so the two couples were very close.

"It's always insane when it comes to your life, Jack.  What else is new?"

"This insanity is a little different from usual."

"What's wrong?" Tobey asked, his voice suddenly full of concern.

Jack sighed.  "Doug's in the hospital.  He got shot at work."

A stunned silence was all that could be heard at the other end.  So, Jack proceeded to explain all about Doug's condition and what he had been going through in the past couple of weeks.  Jack was surprised to find that simply saying all of this out-loud was incredibly therapeutic.

"Wow," Tobey said when Jack had finished.  "I can't believe it …"

"Listen, I'm sorry I didn't call you earlier about all this.  I just- I guess I kind of forgot.  It's hard to think with all this going on, y'know?"

"Yeah," Tobey said, "I know.  Don't worry, I understand, Jack."

Of course, he understood.  He understood what it was like to have his world shattered, to have a future that was dangerously uncertain.  Four years ago, just before he met Ryan, Tobey tested positive for HIV.  Jack had helped Tobey through some tough times back then.  But Tobey soon met Ryan and Jack was able to step back since he knew his friend was now in good hands.  Tobey was doing well, now but Ryan was always there, watching over him, preparing for the worst and living for the best with the love of his life.  Jack realized suddenly how much he could learn from those two.

"You and Ryan should come visit," Jack said.  "Doug would appreciate it."

"Of course we'll visit!" Tobey said.  "You guys are our best friends.  And you've been there for us through some hard times too.  We owe it to you."

Jack smiled.  "Thanks.  You're always welcome."

"How about tomorrow evening?  Would that be a good time to come in?"

"Sure.  Come for supper around six and then we can all go to the hospital together."

"Whatever's best for you."

"Ok then.  See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah.  All the best to Doug.  And Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"If you need anything- someone to talk to or- or anything- just give me a call, all right?"

"Thanks, Tobe."

"Anytime."

"Bye."

"Night, Jack."


	6. Sublime

Author's Note:  Well, if there's anyone still reading, here's Part VI!  I bumped the rating up a bit due to some sexual content in this part.  Sooo, if you have a problem with talk of sex between two men, I'd advise you not to read!  To everyone else, I hope you enjoy … Part VI 

Things had changed a lot since the first time Jack and Doug had made love and the changes were, for the most part, for the better.  Jack would never forget their first time, though.  The beauty leading up to the moment, Doug's nervousness in the heat of passion, Jack's willingness to guide this incredible man through everything.  Jack quickly saw that Doug was a natural in the arts of kissing and touching and lovemaking and things that made Jack giddy with arousal.  What he did not know, Jack showed him and what he did know surprised and delighted Jack.

After several rather frustrating months of hanging out with Doug during which both men had been incredibly attracted to one another, Jack was almost going to give up all hope of ever being with this man who never failed to take his breath away.  Then, something seemingly extraordinary happened.

Jack and Doug had just been sharing a walk on the beach when they came to a halt at a quiet stretch of sand, just out of town.  Doug had been visiting this spot for years and was quite sure he was the only soul who really knew about it.  It was a late summer's evening and the sun was setting over the calm water.  The two men sat in the sand and watched in an awed silence.

"It's … indescribable," Doug murmured.

_"Sublime," Jack said._

_"What?"_

_"It's a sublime experience.  Watching the sunset."_

_"What does that mean?"_

_"The sublime experience is … is observing nature's overwhelming, limitlessness.  It's being in this moment and you are just so awe-struck and you can't describe it but still … there it is.  It's something that is not in the object of nature itself but in the observer when he experiences it.  Like this sunset it's … well, it's amazing, isn't it?  It becomes a part of you when you watch it and you're amazed by it.  It takes your breath away- the colours, the way they fit together and … I don't know.  It's almost too much to take in and yet you can't take your eyes off of it.  It possesses you."_

_Jack continued to stare at the sunset when he became acutely aware of the set of eyes watching him.  He turned his head and found himself staring back at Doug who for the first time since Jack had laid eyes on him, wore an expression that said loud and clear what he wanted.  There was no mask of indifference- Doug was telling Jack the truth without words.   Jack looked into those stormy blue eyes and knew what he wanted.  Knew what they both wanted and so he did not think- he just let himself go._

_They moved in to each other simultaneously and both men felt the electricity when their lips met for the first time.  The kiss began gently, tentatively but it soon became more insistent, more passionate.  They explored the moist caverns of each other's mouths, lying back on the cool sand with Jack leaning over Doug's form.  Their hands roamed each other's lengths, each touching the perfect body they had been yearning to touch for months._

_Jack felt his arousal grow quickly and knew it would soon become out of control.  He forced himself to pull away and stare once more into those beautiful eyes._

_"Doug …" he said gently._

Doug stared back at him, breathing heavily, lips slightly parted.  He seemed amazed by what he had just done and Jack searched for a sign regret.

_"I'm sorry," Jack said, sitting up and positioning himself beside Doug on the sand.  "I'm sorry I- I wasn't thinking."_

_Doug was silent for a moment and Jack averted his eyes to the now dark, starry sky over the water.  "Don't apologize."_

_Jack turned his head quickly to the man beside him.  "What?"_

_"Don't apologize.  I- I mean, we, I think … that was a long time coming, wasn't it?"_

_Jack smiled a bit.  "I'd hoped that but … I didn't think you wanted-"_

"I didn't.  At least, I thought that I didn't.  I thought I could just ignore it and be alone because that was easier than actually living with it but- then I met you …"

_Jack nodded.  He felt almost as if they had had that conversation before.  They were saying all the things that they had never said out loud but had both been thinking for a long time._

_"I couldn't ignore what I wanted anymore.  I can't."_

_Jack said nothing as he moved back to his original position and kissed the other man.  Their kisses were gentler now, more calculated motions, slowly moving through the dangerous waters.  Clothes were slowly removed and neither thought too much about what they were doing as they continued to explore each other's forms.  They simply took each other in, discovering what they had been both dreaming about for months, reveling in each other's perfection._

It rained for the next three days and they spent them in Jack's house, exploring each other, getting to know each other in a way they never had before.  Jack found it exciting to show the older man this way of lovemaking he had never known before.  Even when Doug became more experienced, the passion and desire never left their relationship.  Jack had been with many other men before but none were even comparable to Doug.  It had nothing to do with how talented either man was in bed, it had only to do with the feeling between them.  There was a connection that neither had ever experienced before and it possessed both of them.

Jack slipped quietly into the hospital room and sat down beside Doug's sleeping form.  He glanced at his watch- 4:16.  Jack smiled gently, knowing that Doug was often tired in the afternoons.  He could be up at the crack of dawn or stay awake until the wee hours of the morning but he always was slightly sleepy between two and five in the afternoon.  Of course, Jack knew full well that Doug spent a lot of time napping these days.

The tired eyes gently opened and Doug smiled, seeing Jack.  "Hey, there," he said.

"Hi, love.  How's it going?"

"Wonderful," Doug deadpanned.  "How long have you been staring at me?"

Jack smiled.  "Only for a bit.  Not nearly long enough."

Doug closed his eyes.  "Funny."

"Watching you …" Jack murmured, "it's a sublime experience."

Doug looked at Jack again and the two men shared a tender look; full of love and familiar.

"And I plan on doing it for many years to come," Jack added, trying to keep his voice from shaking.

Doug gave Jack's hand a weak squeeze.  "Works for me."


	7. Ch ch changes

Author's Note:  Yay!  I got feedback!  Not that that's all I care about … but come on people, we all know how much we enjoy it!  **Phoenix:** I'm glad you're still here.  Who says Doug isn't a top? ;)  By all means, let your imagination guide you!  I think you'll like this chapter … there will be an extended appearance of a certain character that I gather you like!  **Anne918:**  I'm glad you're reading and thanks for reviewing.  Thanks for the nice compliments … I hope you enjoy the next chapter!

After another hellish week, Doctor Hillcoat was finally able to give them good news.  He told Jack and Pacey that he was confident- certain, actually- that Doug was going to pull through this.  He was going to live.  Doug's punctured lung was healing quickly, though it would always give him trouble.  As for Doug's leg, Doctor Hillcoat told them that it would need at least two more surgeries and months of physical therapy but Doug would most likely walk on it again.

The news was enough to make everyone ecstatic.  They all felt as if they had been holding their breaths for three weeks but now, they could finally let it out.  Jack was included in all of this and though he still had about a million other worries, he had to admit, things were looking up.

Throughout the next few weeks, life continued almost normally and Jack went back to work.  He was helped out by many in the community, Tobey especially.  Tobey was always there to help clean the house or walk the dogs or take care of Amy.  Jack soon found himself wondering what he would do without his dear friend.

One Friday night, Ryan took Amy out for the evening and Tobey devoted himself to giving Jack a night of relaxation.  Tobey ordered them Chinese food, rented every Tom Cruise (Jack's favorite) movie he could find, and bought a twelve-pack of Corona's.  The two friends spent the evening laughing and talking and almost forgetting reality for a few hours.  They joked about Tom Cruise's many hairstyles and how it didn't matter because he still looked hot. They laughed about old times, and chatted about nothing in particular.

Later in the evening, when the Corona's were done and they had just finished watching _Minority Report_, the two men leaned back on the couch and grinned at each other.

"He looks the best in that movie."

Jack shook his head.  "No way, man.  You just can't beat _Mission Impossible_."

Tobey rolled his eyes.  "I never really liked that movie."

"How can you not like a Tom Cruise movie?"

Tobey shrugged.  "I'm not obsessed with him like you are."

"I am not obsessed!"  Jack threw a pillow in Tobey's direction but missed by a mile.

"Your aim sucks after a few beers, Jack.  What happened to the football player in you?"

Jack snorted.  "He went away a very long time ago."

"Too bad.  You know, that team jacket always looked really hot on you."

"Hey, you laughed at it the first time you saw me in it."

"I just couldn't believe you were a gay football player!"

Jack sighed, smiling.  "Tobey, sometimes, you're just so … gay."

Tobey grinned.  "I thought I was just really 'out.'"

Jack laughed, recalling when he had told Tobey that on the boat, at their senior prom.  "Oh come on, I was young and inexperienced at the time.  You were my first boyfriend and like, the third gay guy I'd ever met.  I didn't know any better."

"And now you do?"

"Yeah.  Now I _know_ that you're just plain really gay!"

Tobey threw a playful punch in Jack's direction.

"That wasn't an insult!  It's just like I said that night: it's just one more thing that I like about you."

The two old friends smiled at each other and Jack had a flashback of that night on the boat when he had uttered those very words to Tobey at his senior prom.  Just after he had spoken them, he had leaned in and kissed Tobey tenderly on the lips.  He remembered how he had sat alone at his table inside for a long time beforehand, practicing that speech and drumming up the courage to perform that final act, to kiss the other boy.  He did eventually do it and he and Tobey pulled away from each other, grinning.  He had never felt so amazing from just one kiss.  It was his first successful kiss with another boy and it was one of those rare occasions in his life that he actually felt he was doing the right thing.

Jack suddenly wanted to relive the magic of that moment, to feel the way he had when he was seventeen and learning things about himself and being crazy about this funny gay kid, Tobey.  His life for the past few weeks had been shit.  For the first time in all that time, he felt excited about something and so he did not think as he leaned in and kissed Tobey's parted lips.

This kiss, however, was not anything like the first kiss Jack and Tobey had shared.  Tobey froze under Jack's insisting lips, shocked by this unexpected move.  He quickly came to his senses though and jerked his head back, away from Jack, leaving him hanging in mid-air.

"Jack …"

Jack recoiled quickly and slid to the other end of the couch.  He hung his head and ran his hands through his hair.  _Oh God, what had he done?_

"Jack, what-"

"I'm sorry," Jack said, feeling a lump rising in his throat and his eyes well up.  "I just- I don't- I don't know why I did that."  His words became more choked as he allowed the tears to fall from his eyes.  In the moment he had kissed Tobey, Jack's brain turned off and he went into autopilot, doing what he thought he wanted to be doing.  The moment Tobey had pulled away, though, Jack realized suddenly what a horrible mistake he was making.  He knew he did not want Tobey, that he had no feelings for the man other than friendship, but that there was something lacking so desperately in his life, he just could not take it anymore.

"I just didn't think," Jack said quietly.  "I had this sudden urge and I didn't think about what I was doing."

"It's all right," Tobey said gently, having completely recovered from the initial shock.  He placed a comforting hand on Jack's knee.  "You're going through a lot.  It must be a lot to take in."

Jack nodded.  "I just miss him so much."

"I know."

"I miss him in so many ways, Tobey.  I miss his company, his conversation, his lame jokes, his smile, his entire existence.  I also miss the other things- the kisses, the touches, the … the sex."  He glanced at Tobey, feeling slightly embarrassed but Tobey's face was full of understanding and compassion.

"Of course you do," Tobey murmured.

"Is that shallow?"

"No!  No, of course not!  You miss your lover's loving.  That's completely understandable."

"You don't know how he touches me, Tobey.  He just knows exactly what I like and how to make me … helpless to him.  He reads my mind- we read each other's minds.  I don't understand people who say that over time, sex with the same person gets boring because with Doug and I- we just can't get enough and it only seems to get better over the years.  I didn't even know that was possible and now- now I can't stand living without it.  I mean, who knows what it will be like next time?  Doug's changed so much- what if … what if it's not the same?  What if he can't do the things he used to do?  I mean, I'll still love him but … it would be so difficult to live with a new Doug when I have the memory of the old one."

"Jack," Tobey wrapped his arm around Jack's shoulders, "do you know why you and Doug have such amazing sex?  It's because you love each other.  You will always love each other and though there will be minor changes in every aspect of your life, none of the important stuff will change because you will always love each other."

Jack sobbed and turned, embracing the other man and crying into his shoulder.  "Thanks Tobe," he whispered.

Tobey rubbed Jack's back reassuringly.  "That's what I'm here for."

Jack slowly followed the long mahogany box up the aisle, Amy at his side, holding his hand.  The six men carrying the mahogany box placed it at the front of the church and Jack and Amy took their seats in the front pew.

The minister began to speak.  "We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Douglas Witter …"

Jack took a deep breath.  _Just get through this,_ he told himself, _just get through this day._

Close friends and family members were invited to the burial after the ceremony and so Jack rode in the hearse with his daughter and the family of his lost love.  He looked around at their gaunt, mournful faces.  He wondered how he must look.

The small gathering of people stood around the coffin, about to be lowered into the earth, as the minister said more words.  Everyone wore black.  Clouds were gathering in the pale sky.  Jack held a red rose in his hand and so did Amy.  When the minister indicated to him, Jack and Amy stood.  Amy placed her rose on the coffin first.

When Jack's turn came, he stared at the coffin a moment before making a move.  _You will always be my one true love,_ he silently told the spirit he could not sense but he hoped was present.  _And I will always imagine myself with you- holding your hand._

He placed the rose gently on the coffin and leaned in toward it.  He gently placed a kiss on the smooth, finished wood and took a step back.  The coffin immediately started to lower into the ground.  But something was not right.  They couldn't be doing this- this couldn't be true.  Jack tried to yell, tried to move but could not.  This was a mistake!  Doug couldn't be dead!  How could Doug leave him?  _STOP!_  His mind screamed to the box descending into the earth.  _No, please, just stop!_

"Stop!"

Jack jolted upright, opening his eyes suddenly.  His heart pounded in his chest, his breathing was laboured, his skin felt damp with perspiration.  The room was dark, the house was silent.  He was in bed.  _A dream._  It was only a dream.  Jack let out a small sigh of relief as he fell back onto the pillows.  He ran his hand through his hair.  _Doug is not dead.  Doug is in the hospital.  Doug will be home tomorrow …_

These facts came rushing back to Jack in a wave of recollection.  He didn't understand why he was so nervous about Doug's return tomorrow.  After weeks of hell and countless visits to Doug's dreary hospital bed, his love would be home again in only a few hours.  A few short hours until Doug was at home away from the doctors and the nurses.  Away from the people who knew how to deal with the wounded Doug.  And he would be back home where he would be stuck with the new Doug.  The Doug who he had never really been alone with, never watched a movie with, or brought their daughter out to lunch with, or cooked supper with, or cleaned the car with, or paid bills with … or had a family with.

Jack closed his eyes, hoping these thoughts would disappear from his mind.  He needed his rest.  Tomorrow would be a tough day.


	8. Rained Out

Author's Note:  Well, Phoenix, I have to say that I wrote this story awhile ago so the Tobey part was already there but I'm so happy you like that he's there!  I'm also a big Tobey fan, as you may have noticed.  I have another Jack/Tobey story that I think I'll post soon, even though it's a Christmas story … Anyhow, back to this story!  Thanks everyone for the wonderful reviews!  Only one more chapter to go after this one …

"These are for painkillers- he needs to take them every six hours; these are anti-inflammatory meds- he needs to take them three times a day, an hour before eating …" the pharmacist handed Jack numerous bottles of pills as he stood at the pharmacy counter.  He also had a long list of instructions on Doug's treatments.  Doug had to take his meds, stay lying down as much as possible except for his physiotherapy appointments five days a week and his weekly doctor's appointment.  Jack had also been advised to take Doug on a short walk every day in the wheelchair Doug would have to spend the next few months in.  It would be six months before Doug would be able to walk unaided again.

"Don't worry," Doctor Hillcoat had assured Jack, "everything will be back to normal before you know it."

_Right,_ Jack thought, _because people who get shot always get back to normal before they know it._

Amy was fascinated by the wheelchair when Doug got home and spent a great deal of time inspecting every inch of it.  Later, Doug lay across the length of the living room couch, Jack perched up on the arm, and the couple watched as their daughter pushed her dolls around in the chair.

"Looks like you're not going anywhere for a bit," Jack murmured to Doug.  "Someone's found a new favorite toy."

Doug chuckled softly and Jack smiled at the sound.  Maybe things would feel like normal again.

"It's weird," Doug said, "lying here and just not being able to get up.  I mean, it was different at the hospital but at my own house … I feel like a stranger here."

Jack stared at Doug, shocked.  "Don't ever say that Doug."  Jack slid off the couch arm and sat cross-legged on the ground so he was eye-to-eye with Doug.  He took the hand of his lover.  "You could never be a stranger to me or to our family."

Doug smiled gently.  "I know, babe.  It's just a lot to get used to."

Jack nodded and squeezed Doug's hand.  "Yeah."

They sat in silence a little longer as they watched their happy daughter.  Oblivious to the emotional strain the next few months could hold, Amy raced around the living room, content that her two fathers were both home at last.

"Remember how you used to get so annoyed when I called you any cutesy names?"

Doug chuckled again.  "Of course.  I didn't want us to turn into an old married couple."

The two men just looked at each other a moment and then burst out laughing.  Oh God, it felt so good to laugh together again.

"I think it's a little late for that, darling."

Doug grinned rolling his eyes.  "I guess so, sweetie-pie."  Doug kissed Jack's hand.  "But I wouldn't change it for the world."

That night, Jack climbed into bed next to his lover and cuddled up against him, leaning his head against Doug's chest.

"Oh God, it's so amazing to have you in this bed again."

Doug chuckled softly.  "No kidding.  It's pretty damn amazing to be in this bed again.  Especially with you."

Jack sat up and smiled at Doug.  They kissed gently for a moment before pulling back slightly.  Doug stroked Jack's cheek with his thumb.  "I don't think I've thanked you yet."

"For what?"

"For being there.  For being at my side every day, for talking to me, for comforting me, for giving me a reason to live-"

"Christ, Doug … that's what I'm here for, right?"  Jack smiled gently and leaned his forehead against Doug's.  "That's what people who love each other do for each other."

Doug shook his head and pulled back.  He looked earnestly into Jack's liquid blue eyes.  "No, Jack, I mean it.  You always say the right thing and do the right thing and you always make me feel that no matter what, everything will be all right.  You're always there, Jack.  You're always there, holding my hand."

Tears suddenly sprung to Jack's eyes at these words and he let out an involuntary whimper.  "Oh … Doug …"

They moved swiftly together and captured each other's lips within their own.  They lay on the bed, kissing and caressing one another as they drifted eventually into the first restful slumber either of them had had in months.

Six months later … 

When Doug was able to walk again and life appeared to be back to normal in their small family, Jack felt happier than he ever had in his entire life.  Not only did he now have all he ever wanted, he also knew now how much that was worth.  And yet, even when he thought life could not reach a higher level of perfection, something happened to change his mind.

Amy was away at camp for the weekend and so Jack and Doug had the time to themselves.  Jack couldn't even remember the last time this had happened.

On Saturday evening, Doug suggested the two of them take a walk on the beach.  The May air was mild and perfect for their leisurely bare-footed walk on the beach.  They wandered, hand in hand, speaking occasionally but mostly enjoying the simplicity of the comfortable silence between them.  After a short time, however, Jack realized that the silence was not so comfortable.  Doug was suddenly becoming fidgety and kept sighing and glancing up at the overcast sky.

"What's wrong?" Jack asked.

Doug looked at him quickly.  "Nothing."

"You're acting … weird."

Doug smiled tensely.  "No- well, I mean, I just wish it wasn't so cloudy.  We won't be able to see the sunset …"

"Oh, well … it doesn't matter.  We're here together, right?  That's what matters."

"Right …" Doug suddenly became distracted as he dug his free hand into his pocket and groped around for something.  "Shit …" he muttered silently.

"Doug what-"

"Ah, fuck!"

Jack stopped walking, forcing Doug to stop as well.  Jack looked back at his partner.  "What the hell is wrong with you, Doug?"

"Oh, Jack, it's nothing, I just- well, it's not nothing but-" Doug's ramblings were cut short by a sudden downpour, drenching them instantly and soaking the world.  "Argh, no!"

Jack laughed, tilting his head up to the heavens.  "What?  A little rain never hurt anyone!"  He laughed and started to pull Doug into a rain dance but Doug was not responding.

"No, Jack- dammit!  This is so messed up!"

Jack stopped dancing and stared back at Doug through the curtain of rain.  "What?  What the hell is going on, Doug?"

"It's nothing, I-" He stopped abruptly and threw his hands in the air.  "Ah, screw it!"  He grabbed Jack above both is elbows and pulled his lover close.  He stared wildly at Jack, who feared that Doug might have lost it.

"What are you doing, Doug?"

"Marry me, Jack!"

"What-?"

"I want to marry you, Jack.  I know we've practically been married for years but I wanted to make it official.  I want to marry you in front of all of our friends and family and all of Capeside!  I want us to exchange vows and rings and make sure that everyone can see our love and what we mean to each other.  I just love you so much, Jack- I want everyone to know it.  And- and I had this whole romantic plan for tonight to propose to you as the sun was setting, just like the first time we kissed and I had this silver chain for your wrist to give to you but I forgot it at home and so my whole plan is totally screwed but-" he dropped down on one knee "I still want to marry you, so will you?  Will you marry me, Jack?"

Because of the rain, Doug could not see the tears streaming down Jack's face but he could hear them in Jack's broken voice.  "Yes, you idiot!  Yes of- of course I'll bloody marry you!"  He laughed and Doug rose to meet him.  The two shared a passionate, rain-cool kiss.  They hugged, burying their faces in each other's necks.  Jack loved the feeling of Doug's strong arms around his body, of Doug's smooth neck against his lips and of Doug's lips against his own neck.  The power that this man still had over him after so long thrilled him.  He knew that no one else could ever do that for him and knew also how fortunate he was to be pressed up close to this man on that day.  He thought of the preceding months and those horrible weeks where he had come close to losing the only one he would ever love and nearly laughed at how wonderful it felt to be there that day, sharing this perfect moment with Doug.


	9. Epilogue: Happily Ever After

Author's Note:  Well, here we are, at the end.  Thanks to everyone for your awesome feedback- it means so much to me!  Thanks for reading!

Many would not imagine the scene playing out in the backyard of the suburban family home to be a common one.  The yard was decorated with daisies and ribbons, brightening the already sunny day.  About fifty people sat in white foldout chairs, set in rows on the grass and every head was turned to the ceremony taking place in front of them.  A woman stood at center stage and she wore a long robe and was reciting something to the two figures standing in front of her.  One of the figures was fair, broad shouldered, and wore black pants, and a white dress shirt, tucked in but unbuttoned at the top and with the sleeves rolled to his elbows.  The other was slightly shorter, slightly leaner, and dark.  He wore black pants as well with a tailored black dress shit, un-tucked, and open at the top.  The two men were facing each other.  They were holding hands.  They were looking into each other's eyes.  They were in love.

"… and now, Jack and Doug would like to exchange the vows that they wrote for each other.  They have chosen to do this by expressing their promise and their love to one another through a single sentence.  Jack …" the woman nodded to the darker man.

Jack looked at Doug quietly a moment before he spoke.  "You are like a vital organ to me so I can't live without you and I will do anything and everything to protect you, to keep you safe, to make sure that you stay out of harm's way."

A gold ring was handed it to him and Jack took his time placing the ring ceremoniously on Doug's left hand.  The band was simple but Jack knew that the inscription inside reading _Jack and Doug 20/06/2016 … One heart_ distinguished this gold band from the rest.

The smile on Doug's face and the passion in his eyes told Jack that his lover approved.  But Doug cleared his throat and pulled himself together quickly.  "You are the air I breathe, the water I drink, the food that I eat, and most importantly, the sunshine that lights up every moment of my life."

Doug took his turn sliding the ring onto Jack's finger and when the minister said the word, they exchanged their first kiss as husband and husband.  The ceremony was not official in the eyes of the government or any church but it did not matter to them.  It was official in their own eyes and they truly felt themselves to be linked together in a different way.

The reception took place in the backyard as well and the newlyweds danced the night away with their friends and family, drinking in their new marital status.  Laughter and silliness reigned freely through the party into the dark hours of the night and only beginning to fade as the sky slowly lightened in the oncoming dawn.

Later that day, when everything had been cleared up and all the guests had gone, Jack and Doug sat down on their back porch.  They watched their daughter as she played in the backyard and both smiled contentedly.

"When you think about it," Jack said, "it seems almost ridiculous for us to get married."

Doug raised his eyebrows as he looked at Jack.

"Don't get me wrong- I am very happy about all of this but do we really need a ceremony to prove that this is forever?  Look at this," Jack waved his hand around their property, "we have a beautiful home, we have a perfect little girl, and we have each other.  Christ, you nearly died, Doug, and yet here we are.  Few married couples ever have half of those things.  How could there ever be any doubt?"

"It's not about doubt.  It's about vowing our love for each other officially and in front of the people we love."

"Yeah but it's not like we have anything to prove.  They know we're going to be together forever better than half the married couples in Capeside."

Doug smiled.  "If we're better than half the married couples in Capeside, it's all the more reason for us to get married!"

Jack laughed a bit.  "You're right."

Doug wrapped an arm around Jack's shoulder.  "I'm always right."

Jack poked him in the stomach.  "Watch it."

They laughed and kissed.

"Ew!" came a cry from the yard.  "Don't do that mushy stuff in front of me!"

The married couple laughed as their hearts soared.  Jack slipped his hand into Doug's.  "I could hold your hand forever."

Doug looked at him.  "You will."

_Oh yeah, I'll tell you something,   
I think you'll understand.   
When I'll say that something   
I want to hold your hand,   
I want to hold your hand,   
I want to hold your hand. _

_Oh please, say to me   
You'll let me be your man   
And please, say to me   
You'll let me hold your hand.   
Now let me hold your hand,   
I want to hold your hand. _

_And when I touch you I feel happy inside.   
It's such a feeling that my love   
I can't hide, I can't hide, I can't hide. _

_Yeah, you've got that something,   
I think you'll understand.   
When I'll say that something   
I want to hold your hand,   
I want to hold your hand,   
I want to hold your hand. _

_And when I touch you I feel happy inside.   
It's such a feeling that my love   
I can't hide, I can't hide, I can't hide. _

_Yeh, you've got that something,   
I think you'll understand.   
When I'll feel that something   
I want to hold your hand,   
I want to hold your hand,   
I want to hold your hand. _

_-I Wanna Hold Your Hand_

by The Beatles


End file.
